Realizing I Wasn’t ‘Straight:’ Coming To Terms With My Sexuality

As this is a more personal bit of writing, I understand that it holds very little appeal and has very little purpose. It does, however, address a relevant issue in society: heteronormativity. [NSWF post]

I’ve heard “well, if you’re REALLY gay/trans/etc you’d know it since forever!” countless times and it never ceases to amaze me with its sheer inaccuracy. Whether I was born queer or some life event in early childhood resulted in who I am is unknown and of no consequence to me. But I do know that regardless of being queer, I didn’t even begin to consider it as a possibility until maybe age twelve. I didn’t fully accept it until age 14 or so.

Being raised in a heteronormative environment, I was convinced that queerness was some rare, strange occurrence. That the possibility of being queer was exponentially small. Furthermore, and most importantly, I was sure that being anything other than straight would feel weird. I therefore went throughout my life (hilariously so, in retrospect) justifying obviously queer aspects of my life as things that were normal and natural to me, so that they were obviously a part of being straight…since being straight was the normal and natural occurrence. And of course, there was no shortage of stories of females ‘experimenting’ in college, or women acknowledging the beauty of other women, etc. which only solidified my idea that whatever in myself that seems not straight was just a normal part of life for a heterosexual, cis female-born individual.

Despite the fact that the first two (non-celebrity*) people I had ‘crushes’ on were females, the fact that the first person I ever kissed was female, that the only porn I had ever viewed (which occurred very seldomly to begin with) almost always only had women, that one of my first bits of creative writing was about a queer couple…I still considered myself heterosexual. And is it possible for someone to have had all those experiences and be a heterosexual female? Sure, I suppose. The sexuality of born-females is apparently more flexible than those of others, though that only leads me to question the normality of heterosexuality even more.

And at some point I realized that the reason these things felt normal and natural was because they obviously literally just were. And that was that. There was no special rule that allowed heterosexuality the titles of “normal” and “natural.” I realized that there was no logical rule that would require me to have had sex with multiple females (and only females) to be rightfully queer. There is no certification, no “queer license.”

If people would stop insinuating that other sexualities have to manifest themselves in painfully obvious stereotypical ways for prolonged amounts of time in an individual (a male infant playing with dolls, growing up to be a toddler with a crush on Zac Efron, growing up to be a teenager in skinny jeans with a high-pitched voice, growing up to be a fashion designer etc) to be ‘real,’ it would be much easier for other young individuals to accept their sexualities.

Instead of the annoyingly persistent question of “Well, are you SURE?” in regards to a young person questioning their sexuality, we should stop expecting them to be straight to begin with. Because though the amount of individuals who are LGBT+ is still very minute in relation to the overall population, it is likely that that percentage is smaller than reality…due in fact to hetero/cisnormativity and prejudice. There are reasons that many are not open about their sexuality, and there may be some who refuse to accept (or wouldn’t even be able to see how) that they are queer. As acceptance (and logic) in the United States increases, there will likely be an increase in those who are openly queer. And why? Because it IS normal and it IS natural.

 

*Fun fact: The first, and only, celebrity crush I had at those times was Sonny Moore.

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